


Just Step and Fetch

by Duck_Life



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe- Human Squip, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Jeremy's Bi and So Is His Dad, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-05 02:08:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11568111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duck_Life/pseuds/Duck_Life
Summary: Jeremy's dad's new boyfriend is the epitome of cool. And he wants to spend more time getting to know Jeremy. That has to be a good thing, right?





	1. The SQUIP Is Not A DILF

Jeremy doesn’t really have an issue with his dad’s bisexuality (and it’d be pretty hypocritical of him if he did). About a year after his mom left, Mr. Heere sat him down and told him that he wants to date men as well as women, that he understands if Jeremy feels weird about it, that no matter who he dates Jeremy’s still his number one priority.

Jeremy’s pretty sure he mainly came out just to get in on all the dad jokes (“I’ll be home if you plan on swinging bi Heere,” etc.).

But no, Jeremy’s totally cool with his dad dating, and dating men. He likes most of the boyfriends he’s met. Paul was artsy and kind of pretentious but in an entertaining way, Hal had the nicest eye crinkles when he smiled. So he doesn’t have a problem when he learns that there’s a new man in his dad’s life.

“Look, I found him on Facebook,” Jeremy tells Michael while they’re chilling in Michael’s basement one day. He turns his phone around to show his best friend the profile pic.

Michael whistles (he can do it better than Jeremy and it’s _infuriating_.) “He’s… kinda hot.”

“Gross!” Jeremy whines, aiming a kick at Michael between their beanbags. “That’s my dad’s boyfriend.”

“I know,” Michael says. “Total DILF material.”

“ _Stop it_.”

Michael snickers and twiddles the controller in his hand, sending his avatar on the screen around the video game map to collect supplies. “Have you actually met him yet?”

“I think I heard him talking last night when he dropped Dad off,” Jeremy says. “But I haven’t seen him.”

* * *

 

Jeremy does finally see him that weekend, as he’s stretching and yawning walking into the kitchen. There’s a man sitting at the kitchen table, browsing the newspaper and looking bored. He’s a little younger than Mr. Heere, attractive and put-together, with an air of sophistication and perfect posture. Jeremy blinks. “Uh… hi.”

“Oh!” the man says, jumping up to extend a hand. “Jeremy, right? It’s nice to officially meet you. I’m your dad’s… friend.”

Jeremy laughs. “It’s cool, I know you guys are dating,” he says, shaking the man’s hand. It’s cold. “It’s Eric, right?”

“Yeah, but back in high school all my friends called me the Squip.”

Jeremy snorts. “Is that like ‘the Fonz’?”

The Squip laughs. “Yeah, I guess it is.” He sets down his newspaper. “Listen, your dad got called into work. I was hoping… maybe you’d want to spend the day with me? Get to know each other? We could go shopping, I’ll buy you a new shirt.”

Jeremy looks down at the Apocalypse of the Damned T-shirt he’d tugged on when he woke up. “What’s wrong with my shirt?”

“I mean, nothing!” the Squip says quickly, looking apologetic. “If you’re just going to be hanging around the house.”

“Oh…” Jeremy says, thinking about it. His dad hardly ever takes him shopping, and without a license he never gets a chance like this to go to the mall. And it might be nice to get to know the Squip, if he’s going to be around Jeremy’s dad more often. “Uh, alright.”

“Don’t say ‘uh’ so much,” the Squip says. “That’s one of my _biggest_ pet peeves, honestly. And get your shoes on, we'll stop at McDonald's for breakfast.”

* * *

 

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**wanna go play miss pac-man at the movie theater until they kick us out**

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**i think i can beat my hi score**

Jeremy balances his phone in his lap with his box of nuggets from McDonald's, staring out the windshield of the Squip’s sleek Tesla Model X. His dad’s boyfriend drives smoothly, effortlessly, weaving between traffic like he’s got a VIP pass on the road. Jeremy texts back, **can’t, srry. dad’s bf wants to take me shopping**

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**lucky ducky!!! what’s he like**

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**is he hot in person too**

Jeremy rolls his eyes and shoots back, **HE IS NOT A DILF** and then **he’s cool except he calls himself “the squip” which is kinda weird.** He hopes the Squip’s too focused on the road to be reading his phone over his shoulder.

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**hahaahhaha wtf?? that’s so weird?? that’s like if i made everyone call me “the mellow”**

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**wait actually that would be dope as hell**

TEXT FROM: MIKE’S HARD

**from now on i am “the mellow”**

“Who are you texting?” the Squip asks as they pull into the parking lot of the mall. Jeremy tucks his phone in his back pocket.

“My best friend, Michael,” he says.

“Ah,” the Squip says. “Look, I know you’re probably gonna think I’m an old geezer for this or whatever. But if we’re hanging out together, would you mind staying off your phone?” He grins and punches Jeremy lightly in the shoulder, in a friendly way. “I wanna get to know you! Not the back of your phone, heh.”

“Oh, okay,” Jeremy says. It’s a little weird? But then, his mom says the same thing to him on the rare occasion that he has lunch with her. So he shrugs it off and exits the car. The Squip’s car has awesome gull-wing doors that open up like the time machine in “Back to the Future” and Jeremy marvels at them as he stands in the parking lot.

They walk into the mall, Jeremy’s phone feeling like a weight in his pocket.


	2. Jeremy Loves Teavana

The Squip takes him to a fancy clothing store Jeremy’s never even been inside and holds up an Eminem T-shirt. “How about this?”

“But I don’t like Eminem.”

“How can you not like Eminem?” the Squip scoffs, tossing the shirt at him. 

Jeremy hesitates. “Because I like… respecting… women.”

The Squip laughs. “Oh, Jeremy, you’re so sensitive.” He moves through the racks of clothing. “Okay, here, try picking a shirt.” 

Jeremy’s already feeling kind of annoyed. He grabs something that looks cute, something with lots of stripes. The Squip raises an eyebrow. “That’s a girl’s shirt.” 

“Yeah, but then I buy it and put it on my boy body and voila, then it’s a boy’s shirt,” Jeremy wants to say. “Clothes don’t have genders,” Jeremy wants to say. “Oh, whoops,” is what he actually says, and he puts the shirt back on the rack. 

The Squip picks out another couple of preppy-looking shirts, a sweatshirt emblazoned with SQUAD GOALS and a leather jacket that Jeremy likes alright when he tries it on, up until he turns around and sees the embroidery on the back. “‘Boys will be boys’?” he says skeptically. 

The Squip shrugs. “What, they  _ will _ be!”

“I don’t want to get this jacket.” 

“I’m paying,” the Squip reminds him, waving his credit card. “Try the sweatshirt.” 

Jeremy does. “This looks ridiculous,” he says. “What am I supposed to do, walk around by  _ myself _ wearing a shirt that says ‘squad goals’ on it?”

“No, of course not. You need to make some new friends,” the Squip says, scanning around the store. “Ooh, like those girls over there.”

Jeremy follows his line of sight. “Chloe and Brooke? No, I can’t be friends with them. They’re, like, the most popular girls in school.”

“Don’t worry, I can coach you through this,” the Squip promises, giving him a small nudge. “Go tell the blonde one she looks sexy.” 

“But that’s super creepy,” Jeremy wants to say. “I can’t say that, it’s rude,” Jeremy wants to say. “Okay,” is what Jeremy actually says, and he walks on over. “Hey, Brooke.”

“Oh, hi Jerry.”

“Lookin’ pretty sexy,” he says, feeling completely ridiculous. He looks over to see the Squip giving him two thumbs up. 

“Thanks?” Brooke says. 

“What the hell are you wearing?” Chloe says, looking at his SQUAD GOALS sweatshirt. “You’re not even here with anyone.”

“Actually I am,” Jeremy says, whirling around to point to the Squip, except that the Squip has suddenly vanished. “Uh… that’s so weird, he was just here a second ago.” 

“Aw, well you can join  _ our _ squad!” Brooke says, linking arms with Chloe. “We were just about to go get some froyo. Wanna come with?” Chloe doesn’t look too happy about it, but Brooke genuinely seems to want him to join them. 

“Uh, actually, I should probably try and find the, um, the guy I was here with,” Jeremy says, looking around the store. “I’ll see you at school.”

“Oh, okay,” Brooke says, shoulders sagging a little. “Oh well. See you later, Jerry!” She and Chloe flounce off before he can correct them about his name.

* * *

 

Jeremy scours the whole Forever 21 and finds no trace of the Squip, so he leaves the sweatshirt on a rack in the dressing room and leaves the store. Where the hell did the guy go? Jeremy tries Teavana and GameStop (read: Jeremy dicks around in his two favorite stores and makes no attempt to find the Squip) before he finally catches up to him in front of the Payless. 

“What was that about?” he asks, stomping up to the Squip. “You totally ditched me!”

“Jeremy, don’t whine like that,” the Squip sighs, turning toward the mall exit. Jeremy has to jog a little to keep up with him. “I figured you were going to get a ride with those girls.”

“No,” Jeremy says. “No, I mean, they offered, but you said you wanted to spend the day together so I went looking for you!”

The Squip gives him a look. “You picked me over two hot girls? You’re going to need to straighten out your priorities.”

“Why’d you leave?” They’ve reached the parking lot. 

“I was giving you space,” the Squip says. He’s got sunglasses on now, which only do more to make him look like Keanu Reeves. “You should have accepted the ride from the girls.”

“I thought that would be rude.”

“Who cares?” the Squip says, opening up the car doors. “You get to hang out with hot girls. It’s a win!” He slides in and starts the car, waiting irritatedly for Jeremy to get his gangly limbs situated in the passenger’s seat. “Do you want me to help you out, Jeremy? I can help you. I can teach you everything you need to know about surviving-- no,  _ thriving _ \-- in high school.”

Jeremy looks at him doubtfully. “Oh yeah? Like what?”

“Well, first of all, take your hands out of your pocket,” the Squip instructs. Jeremy does. “Arch your back, puff out your chest.” Jeremy does, feeling ridiculous. “See? Now you’ve got swagger. If you listen to me, you could even have full-on charm by the time we’re done.”

And, well, Jeremy likes the idea of being charming. He really likes the idea of just  _ knowing _ the right thing to say and the right time to say it, and if the Squip can help him with that, he’d be beyond thrilled. “Okay,” he says finally. 

“Okay, here’s the most important tip,” the Squip says. They still haven’t pulled out of the parking lot. “Start out by looking in the mirror. Go on, look.” Jeremy pulls down the mirror compartment above him and takes a look: pale skin dotted with acne and freckles, floppy brown hair, a pink nose. “If you really want to improve yourself, you have to start out by finding everything wrong with you. You have to hate the way you are.”

“What?” Jeremy squawks.

The Squip looks annoyed. “Don’t you understand that the second you look in the mirror and you’re happy with what you see, you’ve already lost the battle?”

Jeremy rolls his eyes. “You should give speeches to teenage girls.” 

“I already am,” the Squip sneers at him. “Now, repeat after me. ‘Everything about you is so terrible.’”

Jeremy squints at himself in the mirror. He really is too pale, and that acne is actually atrocious. His hair is greasy, and if he really concentrates he can see the flakes of dandruff near his scalp. He has too many bags under his eyes for someone so young, and have his ears always poked out awkwardly like that? 

Well. He wants swagger. He wants charm. “Every… everything about me is just terrible.”

“Good,” the Squip says encouragingly. “Now-- ‘everything about you makes me wanna die.’”

“What?” Jeremy splutters. “I’m not gonna say that.”

“We’ll be here all night, Jeremy.”

He sighs, meeting his own gaze in the mirror. “Everything about me makes me wanna die.” Infuriatingly, his voice cracks.

“Now you got it,” the Squip smiles, shifting into drive and pulling out of the spot. “Keep working on that, okay? You’ve got something there, I know it. Stick with me, listen to me, and girls like those ones at Forever 21 are gonna be putty in your hands.” 

Jeremy doesn’t really care that much about Chloe and Brooke. But if the Squip can help him act and speak with a little more confidence, if the Squip can help him work up the courage to ask out Christine… well, that might be worth it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [casually relies on stealing 'friends' and 'scrubs' quotes instead of writing original dialogue]


End file.
